Them and Us

I studied Social Work in college. I was drawn to the study of learning more about people, families, cultures and government policies. In many of my classes we had very real discussions about mental health, social groups, racism, people who live in poverty, people with disabilities, people who are different from us in any way. My classes were made up of people who were mostly accepting of differences, people who didn’t want to be judgmental. We even discussed how we all judge others, even though we like to think that we are not judgmental.

            One of my professors was a wonderful story teller and she could take a simple experience and share it in a way that had a profound effect on her students. I remember a story she told about her husband being out of town and she got a rock in her tire on the interstate and the tire went flat. She called AAA to come and change her tire. She said she thought about the privilege she had to pick up her cell phone and call for assistance. She shared that in a short time, she went from sitting in her flat-tired car with her teenage son, to being on the drive back home. The story took a turn when she reminded us that there are people who walk 5 miles in the hot sun with their children to get a bowl of mush to eat. No car, no health care, no air conditioning, no electricity, no fresh water, no toilet.

            I meet people in my work who tell me they are saddened by the state of our country and by the way people are treating others. There are anxious and depressed people who feel they can no longer tolerate watching the news because it is all about people hurting other people and leaders who have lost sight of what matters. I’m not sure what all those things are that “matter”. But I can say with certainty that ALL people matter and if we stood side-by-side with the people who walk 5 miles for food, God would see us all the same.

            I talk to people about respecting themselves & having healthy emotional boundaries with their spouse, their friends, their employers. Boundaries are necessary for good relationships and for maintaining peace and order. But boundaries do not mean there is “Us” and there is “Them”. I can say with all certainty there is only “Us”. I want to watch the news and not have to brace myself for the hate and lack of respect that have become the norm. I want for all of you who have shared with me your depression and anxiety about the way we are treating each other, that we might one day be able to talk about how we see even the smallest shift; that those of us who are blessed with having our daily needs met would care equally for those who are walking a long way every day just to survive.                                                                      -Gayla Partin, LISW-CP, 1-14-2020

What is Psychotherapy and How Does It Help?

There are different names and different paths of education and training for a person who provides psychotherapy (sometimes just referred to as therapy or counseling). A therapist can be a social worker, a family and/or marriage counselor, a professional counselor or other educated and trained professional. Most of these will have a license that has been issued after they have completed educational requirements, supervision by an experienced therapist, and passed a comprehensive licensing examination conducted in the State in which they will practice.

          People are sometimes hesitant to seek help for a mental health concern, however most of the stigma that was long-ago associated with psychiatry and mental health counseling seems to be gone. There can be a sense of fear with setting up the first appointment if someone has never seen a therapist. It can feel vulnerable to consider talking to a stranger about deeply personal feelings, losses, difficult memories or current stressful circumstances.

          One important thing to know is that everyone has problems or concerns that could be helped with therapy. I have observed in my practice that many people feel alone in what they have experienced or how they are feeling; however, there is not a single person who has had a life without hurts, problems, and losses. It can also be helpful to know that most therapists have seen or are still seeing a therapist themselves. It is strongly recommended during the education and mentoring process that mental health professionals seek support for their own problems and concerns. This way there will not be as many barriers to their providing support for their clients. Someone who has not worked on their own issues may not be emotionally prepared to provide support for others.

          Once you have done some research to locate a therapist (search the web, read information on their website, ask friends, ask your doctor) you can call to set up an initial visit. You should expect your therapist to help you feel comfortable and at ease with any nervousness you may have. He or she will have some forms for you to sign about treatment, insurance, etc. and will ask questions to help you identify concerns for which you are seeking treatment. If you do not feel a connection with your therapist during this visit it is ok. You may want to try another visit, or your therapist can refer you to another clinician. Hopefully this will not be a concern and you can schedule another visit to discuss your future treatment plan. You and your therapist will work together to set goals and discuss methods of treatment that will be helpful to treat your individual concerns and symptoms.

          There are numerous methods of treatment for anxiety, depression, grief, physical pain, adjustment to life changes, post traumatic stress disorder and other concerns. If your issues are outside of the scope of practice for your therapist, he or she should refer you to a specialist to help with your specific needs. Your therapist may also refer you back to your primary care provider or a psychiatrist for a medication evaluation.

          If you are considering therapy for yourself, just pick up the phone and make a call. The process should be easy and unintimidating! You should feel comfortable, accepted, and at ease during the process of getting started and continuing with therapy. Good wishes!

Gayla Partin, LISW-CP, Counseling Sumter LLC, 9/23/2019

But the Greatest of These Is Love

The book of Corinthians in the Bible was written by Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus. When my husband and I got married we had a reading from this book. Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud. Love does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (JB 😊)

So many people are talking about the stress and worry of what is going on in our country and our world right now. I talk to people in my practice who tell me they have developed anxiety about the way people are treating each other. They tell me they have stopped watching the news because it is too upsetting. I have personally felt this way too. I am torn between staying involved in what is going on in my community, my city, my country…and being able to have calmness in my heart and to sleep at night.

I know this love that Paul speaks about, because I am a wife to the most forgiving and loving man I have ever known. I know it because I am a mother to a daughter who I would protect first, before myself. I know because of my son-in-law who I love as part of my family. I know because of the indescribable love for my grand-daughter. And I am very loved by the man I call Dad. (see previous blog).

So, what do we do with our fears and worries? What do we do when we see every day on social media that political beliefs have turned into disrespect among friends and family members? What do we do when we see that the description of love given by Paul is not reflected in the world around us?

Comfort yourself in this knowledge. We cannot change other people. We cannot control our politicians. We cannot stop war, disease, death, poverty. We cannot stop hatred. But we as individuals can show love to other people and remember the life of the One who created us ALL and showed us clearly how to love.

Gayla Partin, LISW-CP, Counseling Sumter, LLC, 11-18-2018

Things We Hide...

Dr. Brene’ Brown is a research professor, best-selling author, speaker, and social worker.  I’m proud to say I’m a social worker too! If you’ve read any of her books then you know that she has studied and written a lot about shame and vulnerability and being brave.  I recommend that you read her writing if you have an interest in digging deep into your own “stuff”.

People are afraid to be vulnerable about their fears, guilt and shame...and sometimes hold onto their feelings and never share them. Fear of judgment or rejection is what keeps us from being ONE HUNDRED PERCENT honest about our mistakes and doubts.

Among the things people hide:

-Addiction (pornography, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, shopping, eating too much, not eating enough). When people turn to any of these things to cope with daily life, it can indicate past hurt and pain, and a way to avoid things that are difficult to face.

-Sexual assault/abuse. People feel guilty or have a fear of being judged if they disclose this. And so many people have sexual trauma as part of their story! If this is part of your story it can be healing to share it with a trusted friend or a trained trauma therapist/counselor. (Contact me for a referral.) Sexual Trauma Services of the Midlands offers assistance for those in the midlands of South Carolina.

-Marital problems. There is NO perfect marriage. People often have a “public marriage” and a “private marriage”. And the two don’t match at all. Give yourself permission to know that there is no marriage without conflict! We have all learned about marriage and family from the way we were parented and the way our parents communicated with each other. I think everybody needs marriage counseling before they get married and after marriage when things start to go wrong. And they will!

-Fear that we are not unconditionally loved. This is a difficult thing for people to talk about or to even recognize. If you had parents who were stressed, distant, or didn’t know how to parent because they were young and dealing with issues of their own, then you may have issues with feeling safe and attached to your spouse, your friends, or even your own children. Signs of this include the inability to forgive hurts, feeling afraid to admit fears, and unhealthy coping methods (turning to food, tv, alcohol, etc. )

There are many fears and there are always other people who have the same fears. You are never alone!

If you have something you really need to share then please consider being brave and doing it. Share with a trusted friend, your spouse, your pastor, or with God. If I can help you in any way to figure out how to share…please contact me via the information on this website.

Above all…just know that your feelings are normal…

This blog was inspired by a real conversation with a trusted friend… Thank you!

Gayla Partin, LISW-CP, Counseling Sumter, LLC

How Do I Know If I Have Anxiety?

Worry is a normal part of all our lives. Everybody worries about work or children or a pending result of a medical test. So how do we know if worrying or a feeling of unease is more than just life adjustment? Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a treatable mental health diagnosis that involves worrying that is difficult or even impossible to control without help.  Here is a list of symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder:

1)  Excessive anxiety and worry about a variety of topics, events or activities. Worry occurs more often than not for at least 6 months and is excessive, even when there is nothing wrong. In adults, the worry can be about health, money, or everyday life circumstances. In children, the worry is likely to be about their abilities or the quality of their performance (i.e. school performance).

2)  The worry is very difficult to control and may shift from one topic to another. The worry can cause difficulty concentrating.

3)  The anxiety and worry are associated with at least three of the following physical or cognitive symptoms:

- Edginess, restlessness

-Tiring easily, feeling more fatigued than usual

-Irritability

-Increased muscle aches/soreness; increased heart rate.

-Trouble falling asleep, or staying asleep, or both

4)  The worry or anxiety cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

5)  The symptoms are not due to a physical issue such as substance abuse, medication, or a medical condition (such as a thyroid problem).

If you have several of these symptoms, or you just need to ask questions and explore your thoughts with someone, contact a mental health provider in your area. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is treatable with medication and/or counseling. If you are having thoughts of self-harm, please seek emergency help from your local hospital or an emergency care facility or call 911. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.  (Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder obtained from DSM-5, American Psychiatric Association)

Gayla Partin, LISW-CP, Counseling Sumter, LLC

Cleaning Out Closets

I read a book a year or so ago about how to declutter and get rid of things you don’t need. The book is called “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing” by Marie Kondo. One of my friends said the book is “way out there” but I read it with an open mind and took away the things that were helpful. The author says if you don’t use it, wear it, read it (or use it in some way) and it doesn’t “spark joy” then you don’t need to keep it. 

I’ve been literally and figuratively cleaning out closets in my house this weekend. I used to have difficulty parting with sentimental items. I still struggle with it just a little, but I have gotten much better. My mother is the closest person I’ve lost in my life. After her death about 4 years ago I kept a big garbage bag of her clothing, dried flowers from her funeral, things she had made. Today I parted with more of her things by reminding myself that SHE is in my heart. I remember the mom she was when I was a little girl. I remember her soft, sweet voice. I remember how much she loved my daughter. There are so many memories in my heart. And I can keep those with me wherever I go.

It felt good today to take a load of useable clothing and other items to a local agency that will ensure they are given to people in need. And to end the day at a restaurant eating pizza and French fries with my husband, my daughter and son-in-law, and my almost 16-month-old granddaughter. That time was a memory made. That time spent together is the joy!

Maybe you are holding onto things because you feel guilty, disrespectful, or sad about letting them go. Try telling yourself that the person and their memory is in your heart and that is what matters. The joy comes from memories and feelings about past experiences and losses. The joy is always in our hearts…

Gayla Partin, LISW-CP, Counseling Sumter LLC, 3-10-2018