Effects of Childhood Trauma in Adults...

If you’ve read anything about mental health recently you have probably seen articles or books about trauma.  Many people think of trauma as something caused by a significant event…a serious automobile accident, military combat, a robbery or sexual assault. Although these are certainly some of the major causes of post-traumatic stress, the effects of trauma can also be seen in people who grew up in poverty, had a parent who was addicted to alcohol or drugs, or had a caregiver with an unmanaged mental illness.

The International Society for Trauma Stress Studies reports that when a child is abused or neglected it can have a major impact on the person in adulthood and can impact emotional, mental, and physical health. And very importantly that the physical part of trauma can cause a “heightened stress response”. Many people who seek therapy have anxiety or even frequent panic attacks but can’t seem to identify a current stressor that would be causing symptoms. Often after they have shared their story it comes to light that they grew up with uncertainty (I’ll write more about this in an upcoming blog) or insecurity. And they don’t realize this may still be keeping their bodies in a heightened state of anxiety.

I recently completed a certification in Family Trauma. In the classes, we learned about the physiological actions of the autonomic nervous system. To put it in simple terms a person’s “fight or flight” system is always activated. So, it doesn’t take much to push them into an a very activated (stress, anxiety, panic, etc.) state. Sometimes just sharing about the past and learning about this physical response is helpful. And there are many ways to help people learn simple calming and grounding techniques. If symptoms are severe there may be a need for medication to help manage them. But the good news is, with counseling and medication if needed, most people report significant improvement.

 Gayla W. Partin, LISW-CP, Counseling Sumter LLC, 1-13-2018

This Is My Dad...

I gave my Dad his Christmas gifts today. My family gave him a big, fat book about the works of Josephus. He told me he already owned the book, and by the way the hardcover not the paperback, and that he’d already read it. I was not surprised by any of this information. My Dad is a reader, a history buff, and a teacher (though not by profession). He loves learning and knows a lot about the history of battles, religion, and movies, just to name a few things. He has an extensive DVD collection and he will tell you about an entire movie, mostly word for word, if you don’t stop him. He loves watching “The Big Bang Theory” and would love to hang out with Sheldon if he could.  

I met my Dad when I was about 13 years old. He started coming over to see my mom at our house. I’d never known anyone like him before. His family roots were from the northern United States and his grandparents were Portuguese. His grandfather spoke loudly and kissed me on both cheeks when I met him. The only people I had ever known in my life were from the south. While wooing my mom my dad loved cooking things like Chicken Cacciatore and Sweet and Sour Meatballs. I’d never known a man who cooked, and much less those fancy foods I’d never eaten. He was always playing records and often in the classical genre which didn’t interest me then. But he also sprinkled in a little Cat Stevens, Simon & Garfunkel, Elton John. For that reason, I tried to think that maybe somewhere down in there was a little bit of a “cool guy”.

Some 40+ years later this cool guy is my Dad. He forgave me for all my teenage sassiness and staying out past curfew while he tried to support my mom in raising a strong-willed teenage girl. He taught me how to drive his red/orange stick shift Volkswagen Beetle and he wasn’t mad at me when I totaled it not long afterward. He gave me emotional support during some difficult life stages. He loved my daughter with every ounce of his being and he has always been her Bampy. He took care of my mom in the last year of her life and it was not easy. And he did a good job. He stood by me at her funeral and we mourned her loss together.

I looked at my Dad’s face today as he was watching my 13-month-old granddaughter run around the restaurant table where my family had lunch together. He was sitting by his wife who has also joined our family and my son-in-law who is my son, and he was laughing at baby Addie. Our relationship helps me understand how anyone can be family. And that being chosen is a very special thing for a daughter!

Happy New Year! Gayla Partin, LISW-CP, 12/31/2017

A Writing About Grief

(A writing about grief…)

I had my own notion of grief.

I thought it was the sad time

That followed the death of

Someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I’m learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather,

There is absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on,

But an element of yourself-

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self.

-Gwen Flowers

I’ve seen this grief writing online a few times recently. I like how it starts with the idea of having our own notion of grief. I think most of us have that. Until we’ve gone through it ourselves we think we have an idea of how we’ll handle loss or maybe even how other people should handle their loss. But then a loved one dies suddenly and we have no time to try to adapt to the loss. Or a loved one has a prolonged illness, and we have thoughts we never imagined we would have. “I wish my spouse would die now.” “I hope God will spare my brother soon.”

Often, people put expectations on themselves about how they should grieve or how long grief should last. I worked for years as a hospice social worker and I kept in touch with families after the death of patients. I heard so many people saying things like “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “It’s been 2 years. I should be over it by now.”  “I’m an adult. I shouldn’t feel so sad that I just lost my 85-year-old mother.”

Like this grief poem says, grief doesn’t have an agenda or a time frame. It doesn’t look or feel the same for you as it does for someone else. Feelings of loss are not right or wrong. So, give yourself time to go through the shock, depression, denial, anger, and uncertainty. And know that however you feel is alright. If you need help with learning about grief and working through your feelings…talk to someone. You can reach out to a friend who has experienced a similar loss, a chaplain or pastor, or a therapist with experience in grief and loss. Especially during this holiday season, grief can make you feel alone. But remember there are places to get help and support and to learn that your grief is “normal”.

Gayla W. Partin, LISW-CP, 12-25-2017