(A writing about grief…)
I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of
Someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I’m learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.
-Gwen Flowers
I’ve seen this grief writing online a few times recently. I like how it starts with the idea of having our own notion of grief. I think most of us have that. Until we’ve gone through it ourselves we think we have an idea of how we’ll handle loss or maybe even how other people should handle their loss. But then a loved one dies suddenly and we have no time to try to adapt to the loss. Or a loved one has a prolonged illness, and we have thoughts we never imagined we would have. “I wish my spouse would die now.” “I hope God will spare my brother soon.”
Often, people put expectations on themselves about how they should grieve or how long grief should last. I worked for years as a hospice social worker and I kept in touch with families after the death of patients. I heard so many people saying things like “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “It’s been 2 years. I should be over it by now.” “I’m an adult. I shouldn’t feel so sad that I just lost my 85-year-old mother.”
Like this grief poem says, grief doesn’t have an agenda or a time frame. It doesn’t look or feel the same for you as it does for someone else. Feelings of loss are not right or wrong. So, give yourself time to go through the shock, depression, denial, anger, and uncertainty. And know that however you feel is alright. If you need help with learning about grief and working through your feelings…talk to someone. You can reach out to a friend who has experienced a similar loss, a chaplain or pastor, or a therapist with experience in grief and loss. Especially during this holiday season, grief can make you feel alone. But remember there are places to get help and support and to learn that your grief is “normal”.
Gayla W. Partin, LISW-CP, 12-25-2017